THE MEANING OF MY NAME

 

The meaning of my name, "friendship" and "love".

 

My mom always told me, a person’s name isn’t what they resonate, it is rather the purpose one serves. Her name is deepa, it means light, I grew up to see how she blessed light on others while she herself lived in the darkness. 

 

“Friendship and love” I feel it hard to say that I’ve been loved, been loved so much, that it made me travel the universe, but reciprocating it back, one needs strength, which I believe I bereft.

Losing and losing, I kept losing my life lines perpetually, so I made myself a set of rules on October 24, 2020. I was just a kid who lost too much to recover, there was only so much pain I could take. I believed I belonged to the void of darkness than in the light filled multitude of inhabitants.

One undeniable fact I absolutely knew was, none would walk with us till the end, not metaphorically, but a fact. No one would stay with us till the very end, they would probably die of some shit and leave this world before me and I had to rot here alone, so there was one promise I made myself, no fucking people in my life anymore.

I took the “void of darkness” too seriously, until I realized I didn’t. I let some people into my life inadvertently. Life made me do it, I was so busy living I did not realize I was so deeply involved into a relationship when I thought I wasn’t. I fooled myself to think I was living in the void of darkness, when I was actually living in the light of rainbows, only now I realize after the deluge, how bad the consequences are going to be.

Friendships, a relation I did not have much luck with, and when life finally gave me friends, life made sure I regretted breaking my promise. I think I invested too much into the friendship, or maybe it was just the person I was.

As embarrassing as it sounds, I want to let my wounds bleed, I decided to be vulnerable, I had no true friend in 21 years of my life. I wouldn’t complain because after living through this break-up I am happy I had no friendships.

Someone told me friendships dramas are more heartbreaking than boyfriend dramas. Never had the luck of a boyfriend, but friendship drama, not something I want relive again.

Our friendship didn’t start off very well. We were friends with different people that I now grew to hate. I wasn’t so good to her either, something I regret a lot when I think about it. There is no clear view of the day we bonded but I think I became so dependent on the bond we created. She liked a starry night just like me. Going to the terrace till late nights and talking about irrelevant things made me feel at peace.

 I am unsure of the friendship we have right now, after she made it clear to me that we were just friends and that she stopped being there for me when I needed her. Being vulnerable in front of her wasn’t because I wanted my wounds to bleed, I was foolish enough to think she would help me heal.

I wish I could have us back but I know life wouldn’t excuse me again.

It’s the same, maybe that is why I developed a scar

I don’t have him, he is dead

I don’t have her, she is alive

What deference does it even make?

I ONLY HAVE TO REMEMBER!