THE MEANING OF MY NAME

 

The meaning of my name, "friendship" and "love".

 

My mom always told me, a person’s name isn’t what they resonate, it is rather the purpose one serves. Her name is deepa, it means light, I grew up to see how she blessed light on others while she herself lived in the darkness. 

 

“Friendship and love” I feel it hard to say that I’ve been loved, been loved so much, that it made me travel the universe, but reciprocating it back, one needs strength, which I believe I bereft.

Losing and losing, I kept losing my life lines perpetually, so I made myself a set of rules on October 24, 2020. I was just a kid who lost too much to recover, there was only so much pain I could take. I believed I belonged to the void of darkness than in the light filled multitude of inhabitants.

One undeniable fact I absolutely knew was, none would walk with us till the end, not metaphorically, but a fact. No one would stay with us till the very end, they would probably die of some shit and leave this world before me and I had to rot here alone, so there was one promise I made myself, no fucking people in my life anymore.

I took the “void of darkness” too seriously, until I realized I didn’t. I let some people into my life inadvertently. Life made me do it, I was so busy living I did not realize I was so deeply involved into a relationship when I thought I wasn’t. I fooled myself to think I was living in the void of darkness, when I was actually living in the light of rainbows, only now I realize after the deluge, how bad the consequences are going to be.

Friendships, a relation I did not have much luck with, and when life finally gave me friends, life made sure I regretted breaking my promise. I think I invested too much into the friendship, or maybe it was just the person I was.

As embarrassing as it sounds, I want to let my wounds bleed, I decided to be vulnerable, I had no true friend in 21 years of my life. I wouldn’t complain because after living through this break-up I am happy I had no friendships.

Someone told me friendships dramas are more heartbreaking than boyfriend dramas. Never had the luck of a boyfriend, but friendship drama, not something I want relive again.

Our friendship didn’t start off very well. We were friends with different people that I now grew to hate. I wasn’t so good to her either, something I regret a lot when I think about it. There is no clear view of the day we bonded but I think I became so dependent on the bond we created. She liked a starry night just like me. Going to the terrace till late nights and talking about irrelevant things made me feel at peace.

 I am unsure of the friendship we have right now, after she made it clear to me that we were just friends and that she stopped being there for me when I needed her. Being vulnerable in front of her wasn’t because I wanted my wounds to bleed, I was foolish enough to think she would help me heal.

I wish I could have us back but I know life wouldn’t excuse me again.

It’s the same, maybe that is why I developed a scar

I don’t have him, he is dead

I don’t have her, she is alive

What deference does it even make?

I ONLY HAVE TO REMEMBER!

 

THE SHADOW OF MY FEAR

 Sweaty palms, unable to move my hands, im frozen, literally immobilized. I am unable to turn my head, let alone try to get out of the bed that im sleeping on, im trying so hard to scream but my voice isn't coming out. I feel suffocating, shortness of breath. Im not alone, i can feel it. I can feel the presence of another being in this room. There she was, emerging from shadows, she walked from behind, she stood right  behind me, i am scared, i am so scared, i wanted her gone,i wasn't so scared of her before, she helped me before, but right now I'm freaking out. I knew she was going to hurt me while i lay helplessly on the bed. There's no one at home, even if i could scream, who would i call for help? She held my throat with both her hands, tight, so tight, i realised she is trying to kill me, im trying to survive,but i understand that there is no way i can. Thank you lord, i cannot move. I am trying to breath but find it hard to oxygenate. 

Her grip over my muscles tightens, with other hand, she takes out a knife, this was unexpected, this was not on the list of different ways to die tonight, she brought the knife closer, i know i have to fight her to survive. But it felt as if my body has already given up. I cannot fight her, i am a frozen piece of flesh ready to be stabbed on the bed. i give up to my fate. So this is how i am going to die.

This feeling has been haunting me, i didn't think i would have to live through it. I thought i had time till my death. Death was supposed to feel beautiful,but this feels scary, scary to the point i have no control over my body, im unable to move?The fact that im more afraid of this being killing me rather than my own death. Who is she and why is she killing me? 

She started stabbing me with the knife, once, twice, thrice, she keeps stabbing me continuously into my abdomen. Im horrified, i give up. Now im just laying, waiting to die and for her to go away. But i cannot turn my head. Im paralyzed, with only my eyes looking at her. 

The whole time i kept saying "its just a dream, its just a dream."

I know i was going to wake up soon. This was going to be a dream that will have my head messed up. I woke up, the clock hit 12:00, i was surprised to feel the same even after i opened my eyes. I was paralyzed, im trying to move but im only able to turn my eyeballs from each corner of my eye. It was pitch dark, just like how it was before i woke up. I am terrified by the thought that it might happen again. This dream felt so true, it feels like i have lived through every second of it. 

Her black shadow of dust and darkness. She looked like me, i was filled with complete darkness and gases of black dust and killed myself in my sleep, and now after i opened my eyes, im waiting for her to come from behind. Im petrified with the thought that she might be right behind me. im waiting for myself to show up. My breathing intensifies, i can feel my own heartbeat. So many thoughts running in my head. I didn't know what to do. I prayed hard and loud. Loud enough god would listen to me. 

I don't know when I went back to sleep but now as i open my eyes, i know im not alone, i can listen to the sounds coming out of my window and the light that is piercing my eyes through the blinds.