PEACE

 

My heart doesn't believe what is in front of me.

All that I am seeing, all that I am feeling.

I wish I could unsee it, I wish I could turn off my feelings.

It feels like history is repeating.

Going mary go round in the lane of my memories.

Going through the dark history I never want to open again.

Lying in front of me are the questions with no answers

How am I going to fight life if I don't know how to live

My heart wants to believe, believe that everything will be fine

But my mind has a million questions with no answers

There was only one thing to do when life gets hard,

Suicide isn’t bad, it’s a way of living life

I would love to live life if I knew how to solve the problems it gave

When there are no solutions, life is giving me a choice

Living in hell or to live in peace

I see my dad suffering , I see my mom suffering, I see my brother dying every night as I sleep

I keep living through a loop of all the worst possible things

If I could switch my positions with their pain, I would do it with a happy heart

Whats more worst?

Being in pain or living to see everyone you love in pain?

I want to die with my people

Even if god helps my mom and dad and takes away their suffering, how are we going to survive without titu?

How are we going to live a happy life when we know he never had one?

We shouldn’t too

We are supposed to die a painful death

This pain will put my heart to rest, our hearts to rest

Om sai ram baba, take us to you

 

 

I really hope this will be my last post in the blog

 

THE MEANING OF MY NAME

 

The meaning of my name, "friendship" and "love".

 

My mom always told me, a person’s name isn’t what they resonate, it is rather the purpose one serves. Her name is deepa, it means light, I grew up to see how she blessed light on others while she herself lived in the darkness. 

 

“Friendship and love” I feel it hard to say that I’ve been loved, been loved so much, that it made me travel the universe, but reciprocating it back, one needs strength, which I believe I bereft.

Losing and losing, I kept losing my life lines perpetually, so I made myself a set of rules on October 24, 2020. I was just a kid who lost too much to recover, there was only so much pain I could take. I believed I belonged to the void of darkness than in the light filled multitude of inhabitants.

One undeniable fact I absolutely knew was, none would walk with us till the end, not metaphorically, but a fact. No one would stay with us till the very end, they would probably die of some shit and leave this world before me and I had to rot here alone, so there was one promise I made myself, no fucking people in my life anymore.

I took the “void of darkness” too seriously, until I realized I didn’t. I let some people into my life inadvertently. Life made me do it, I was so busy living I did not realize I was so deeply involved into a relationship when I thought I wasn’t. I fooled myself to think I was living in the void of darkness, when I was actually living in the light of rainbows, only now I realize after the deluge, how bad the consequences are going to be.

Friendships, a relation I did not have much luck with, and when life finally gave me friends, life made sure I regretted breaking my promise. I think I invested too much into the friendship, or maybe it was just the person I was.

As embarrassing as it sounds, I want to let my wounds bleed, I decided to be vulnerable, I had no true friend in 21 years of my life. I wouldn’t complain because after living through this break-up I am happy I had no friendships.

Someone told me friendships dramas are more heartbreaking than boyfriend dramas. Never had the luck of a boyfriend, but friendship drama, not something I want relive again.

Our friendship didn’t start off very well. We were friends with different people that I now grew to hate. I wasn’t so good to her either, something I regret a lot when I think about it. There is no clear view of the day we bonded but I think I became so dependent on the bond we created. She liked a starry night just like me. Going to the terrace till late nights and talking about irrelevant things made me feel at peace.

 I am unsure of the friendship we have right now, after she made it clear to me that we were just friends and that she stopped being there for me when I needed her. Being vulnerable in front of her wasn’t because I wanted my wounds to bleed, I was foolish enough to think she would help me heal.

I wish I could have us back but I know life wouldn’t excuse me again.

It’s the same, maybe that is why I developed a scar

I don’t have him, he is dead

I don’t have her, she is alive

What deference does it even make?

I ONLY HAVE TO REMEMBER!

 

THE SHADOW OF MY FEAR

 Sweaty palms, unable to move my hands, im frozen, literally immobilized. I am unable to turn my head, let alone try to get out of the bed that im sleeping on, im trying so hard to scream but my voice isn't coming out. I feel suffocating, shortness of breath. Im not alone, i can feel it. I can feel the presence of another being in this room. There she was, emerging from shadows, she walked from behind, she stood right  behind me, i am scared, i am so scared, i wanted her gone,i wasn't so scared of her before, she helped me before, but right now I'm freaking out. I knew she was going to hurt me while i lay helplessly on the bed. There's no one at home, even if i could scream, who would i call for help? She held my throat with both her hands, tight, so tight, i realised she is trying to kill me, im trying to survive,but i understand that there is no way i can. Thank you lord, i cannot move. I am trying to breath but find it hard to oxygenate. 

Her grip over my muscles tightens, with other hand, she takes out a knife, this was unexpected, this was not on the list of different ways to die tonight, she brought the knife closer, i know i have to fight her to survive. But it felt as if my body has already given up. I cannot fight her, i am a frozen piece of flesh ready to be stabbed on the bed. i give up to my fate. So this is how i am going to die.

This feeling has been haunting me, i didn't think i would have to live through it. I thought i had time till my death. Death was supposed to feel beautiful,but this feels scary, scary to the point i have no control over my body, im unable to move?The fact that im more afraid of this being killing me rather than my own death. Who is she and why is she killing me? 

She started stabbing me with the knife, once, twice, thrice, she keeps stabbing me continuously into my abdomen. Im horrified, i give up. Now im just laying, waiting to die and for her to go away. But i cannot turn my head. Im paralyzed, with only my eyes looking at her. 

The whole time i kept saying "its just a dream, its just a dream."

I know i was going to wake up soon. This was going to be a dream that will have my head messed up. I woke up, the clock hit 12:00, i was surprised to feel the same even after i opened my eyes. I was paralyzed, im trying to move but im only able to turn my eyeballs from each corner of my eye. It was pitch dark, just like how it was before i woke up. I am terrified by the thought that it might happen again. This dream felt so true, it feels like i have lived through every second of it. 

Her black shadow of dust and darkness. She looked like me, i was filled with complete darkness and gases of black dust and killed myself in my sleep, and now after i opened my eyes, im waiting for her to come from behind. Im petrified with the thought that she might be right behind me. im waiting for myself to show up. My breathing intensifies, i can feel my own heartbeat. So many thoughts running in my head. I didn't know what to do. I prayed hard and loud. Loud enough god would listen to me. 

I don't know when I went back to sleep but now as i open my eyes, i know im not alone, i can listen to the sounds coming out of my window and the light that is piercing my eyes through the blinds.

TOSHI AND YAMA

 Once upon a time, there lived a woman and man in a little house. Yoshi and Tama, they were called by that name. One day, a friend gifted them a cat but the annoying cat had bit her hand.

After few days, the cat grew but the same friend gifted them a frog. As soon as it saw Yoshi, it licked her. Later frog and cat became close friends. After few days, the cat grew.

Everyone gave them a little snacks. Yoshi bought sweets and crowned them both. Later a new house was built for the two animals by them.

One day they went out. A thief came and stole away the crown that costs 1 crore.

After they were back, they realized that someone stole their crown and it was missing. They took the map in their hands and went searching for the thief. but alas! he was not found by the both of them. Yoshi and Tamo got frightened coz they were missing but the cat and the frog came to the house at night. They hug each other. The next day everyone come to their house and gifted them 1 lakh. Then frog becomes the king and the cat becomes the queen.

P.S: He was a better writer than i was. Titu's story when he was 5. No one can do better.

THE SHADOW FEELS

 

How do i find the reason behind my agony;

I am slipping into my own dark abyss,

I was who she was, and I'm not her anymore.

She is now a distant memory.

Rewriting a new story,

The shadow drags me with her;

Into the silence of her void,

The shadow’s pain resonating within me,

I can feel the weight of her sorrows.

Trying to disappear from this world,

She forces herself to live just another day.

As the day ends,

She finds comfort in the darkness,

To hide from the pain,

Into her big world of dreams,

She finds peace.

Debating her own thoughts in her head;

Her eyes trying hard not to shed one too many drops of tears;

The blood of the purest soul,

She has blood on her hands,

How can she wash it away if she has to stain herself with more.

Living is hard,

But death will bring peace,

But until she lives,

She has these dreams,

Without which

She is just a melancholic soul,

Making sure to wake into her dreams one day,

My shadow helps me every morning to wake up from my dreams.

You

 Guilty, 

Songs, places, jogging down the memory lane. 

Just a thought of the past, feels like I'm quivering in my own head. 

I'm not sad, everything's alright now, but the question doesn't get erased off my head. 

Do i deserve the life that I'm living right now? 

I'm happy but everytime I smile, you roll up in my mind, 

I can't look you in the eye, 

I can't smile when you are in my mind, 

Just a thought of yours kills me from inside. 

Just a thought from the past, makes me want to pause the thoughts running in my head.

You weren't happy here, you are better there. 

I can't find a reason to be happy, 

My happiness is filled with fear. 

My life changed after you. 

There is no life without you. 

You're life wasn't a happy one. 

But my life was happy because of you. 

I wish I was the one who took all the pain and tears. 

It feels harder this way. 

I miss you. 

I miss you so much that I am trying to push away your thoughts. 

I can never forget you, but everytime I recollect our memories, there is pain. 

Every thought of yours, 

I want to write. 

But it doesn't end until I cry. 

I miss you more than anything in the world. 

You're supposed to be here with me, 

Not in the gallery, 

Not on the walls of my home. 

Every moment of my day, 

Is connected to you. 

Every second of my life, 

I want to spend with you. 

Every breath I take, 

I want it to be for you. 

Everyday I live, 

I want to live with you. 

I love you titu ♡

I love you more than life. 

HUMAN

4 years that I've known him, 

3 years ago, I first spoke to him, 

2 years back, we slowly stopped talking. 

1 year of moving on from him. 

He was a huge part of my small world, I was a small part of his huge world. 

I never truly realised what I actually felt for him, because my definition of love was intense and I never thought I loved him. 

He was supposed to be my crush. But this feeling never remained the same. 

The fact that he doesn't feel the same way about me,

The fact that i was just one among the many girls that he spoke to, 

The fact that he must've probably forgotten about me. 

The fact that, 

he never loved me, he just needed me, 

The fact that, 

I never needed him, I loved him. 

Maybe I feel this way because he was my first love. They say it's different with the first love. 

He came into my life when I was broken, when I was going through a phase which had no healing, 

2019 I lost my brother. I wasn't myself. 

2020 I saw him, he never asked me about my brother, he was least interested, but he helped me give a break to the thoughts of my brain. 

I remember the cold sleepless nights, when I only used to cry, when I had no one to live for, I only wanted to die

And then, one night, he came, one night turned into weeks and weeks turned to months, he waited every night for hours until I went away. 

I knew he was a mistake. 

But he was the mistake that I wanted to make. 

Because with him, every wrong felt so right. 

He was present in the randomness of my thoughts

I used to breathe him into my thoughts. 

I used to think about him, every day and every night, 

But he spoke to me, only when I came to his mind. 

I got so used to him, I was holding onto him knowing that he would never be mine. 

I kept waiting, 

But only realising, 

That I am waiting for someone who is never going to be mine

Because I know for certain that I am someone who got erased from his mind. 

I knew we weren't meant for each other, so the only choice was let go. 

I thought he was the one for me, but I was just one of the girls for him. 

I don't love him, not anymore. 

I know he never loved me too. 

Just wish there was no regret. 

Because he is someone I can never forget.

I wish I was someone who he didn't feel was a MISTAKE. 

P. S: I'm just grateful he helped me live, because without his entry into my life, I would've died. Some people help us unknowingly, God's plan.